Returning to Blogging

I blogged often 20 years ago then stopped. Instead I put brief notes on Facebook. I find I miss sharing longer comments about the modern world so I decided to give blogging another try.

I retired at 83. My last tens years of work was serving as an Episcopal Priest at a small church in a small town. Previously I had been a scientist, executive in the Aerospace world, a Defense Department employee and I had a consulting business after my first retirement. 

I am a snow bird living in a condo in Florida in winter and in a cottage on a lake in Michigan in summer. I was widowed after 60 years of marriage four years ago. My time is spent drawing, painting, and writing. I draw portraits and nudes from models at local art centers. My published books include murder mysteries, some other fiction, a children’s book and letters of famous people copied from a private collection. 

The first subject I plan to comment on is lessons I have learned after being widowed. These lessons are in two categories; the long grief journey and searching for a new companion. Perhaps my lessons learned will be helpful to others who become widowed. 

I'll start with a few comments on grief.

The first lesson I learned is that the conventional wisdom of grief lasting one year after losing a spouse is a myth. The length of one's grief depends on lots of factors and certainly varies with individuals. I suspect that a lot depends on what was going on before the spouse's death. I am suggesting that the time may depend on whether the death was after a long illness for which there was no hope of recovery or if it came as a complete surprise. In my case it was a complete surprise. My journey took roughly two years depending on how one defines the end of the journey. I've had friends who have moved on to a new companion after a few months but, in their case their spouse had an incurable illness. I suspect they began grieving long before their spouse actually died. The lesson I took for my experience and what I observed with friends is that one should not have any preconceived notion about how long their journey will last. 

The next lesson has to do with what constitutes the end of one's grief journey. In my case, my grief ended in phases. I had naively expected it to end after one year at which time I would begin to date in search of a new companion or spouse. That didn't happen. At the end of a year I could not bear the thought of being with another woman who was not just an old friend. Then after almost two years I was able to ask an acquaintance to dinner with the ground rule of just dinner and conversation with no touching. That did end my depression and loneliness. About six weeks later I was leaving for the winter and when I took my dinner companion home the last night she asked for a goodbye hug. We hugged and the world didn't end. Then I felt I was ready for a real date. I didn't find anyone in my winter place for a few months. Then I met a woman on a cruise. Four of us met for dinner each night for ten nights. By about the seventh or eighth night I asked one of the two woman to stay to talk after dinner. That led to our dating after the cruise and we fell in love. Our relationship lasted nine months, then ended. Sometime during those nine months I found I had locked the memory of my late wife in my heart where it will stay forever. Happily I have found a new love but that's a story for another time.